Alexis is on an island this week. This classic column is from 2007.
Q: I’m dating a guy and we recently started having sex (I’m on the Pill). The last time we did it, when he was ready to orgasm, he pulled out and came on me. Unannounced, unwelcome. Not only was I shocked, but I also felt degraded in a way. I feel it would have been different if we had talked about it beforehand, but for him to do it so out of the blue. ... The point is, I can’t seem to get past it, and it has soured me on him since. How do I bring this up to him without sounding prudish (I’m not) but let him know that it was not OK and that he should never, ever do that again?Not That Kind of Girl
A: Not what kind of girl, exactly? The kind that allows another person’s bodily fluids to touch any part of her chaste body beyond the acceptable receptacle that is her vaginal canal? The kind that would deign to give a man oral pleasure? The kind of girl that — gasp! — allows a man to go down on her without barrier protection, only to expose his previously unsullied mouth to her filthy lady juices?
If you would never think to engage in any of the above activities, then here’s the news flash: You’re prudish. Sex should be fun, exploratory, messy and amazing. Don’t limit yourself to one adjective without the others; otherwise you’re missing out on the whole point of getting down (aside from that whole procreation thing, which your current partner clearly isn’t into anyway).
If oral sex without condoms or dental dams is part of your regular sexual repertoire, then what’s so horrifying about a little skeet-skeet? Having your fluids in his mouth isn’t any cleaner than projecting his stuff onto your skin. Besides, tidying up your tummy with a few swipes of a towel afterward is a whole lot more pleasant than suffering the dreaded wet spot on the sheets or doing the Thigh Clamp Shuffle to the bathroom (which is always futile anyway).
Still not sold on the idea of letting your man’s love flow all over you? Tell him that before his bow and arrow start to get creative with their target. If you’re annoyed now, then you’ll really hit the roof when he tries aiming above your bellybutton. Start the conversation next time you’re engaged in pre-coital sexy talk, whispering about all those naughty (or not so naughty) little things you want him to do.
Use positive phrases such as “I love it when you ... “ instead of negative ones (“it’s creepy when you ... “) to keep the mood hot. If he brings up anything beyond your realm of acceptable methods of ejaculation, then be firm while offering alternatives: “No, that’s not for me. What really turns me on is. ... “ If you’re shy about being so direct, just remember: They don’t call it dirty talk for nothing. Plus, if you’re using clear language, then there’s no room for misunderstanding.
Finally, I appreciate being informed of your birth-control usage, but for the sake of your reproductive health, please make sure you are both STD-tested before engaging in any more unprotected sex. It takes about three days for results from a standard sweep, and I think you can wait.Back To Top